S.D. Humorist Dorothy Rosby figures she slept through much of last year. Turns out you probably did too
I spent the first few days of the new year trying to figure out what happened to the old one. It flew by and I didn’t accomplish a thing. And now I know why. Turns out I slept through four months of it.
So did you by the way. I read that those lucky folks who sleep eight hours a night spend four months a year sleeping. There are worse ways to spend four months. Actually I probably only spent three months sleeping because I tossed and turned for at least one. Either way, there went a big chunk of last year.
Then I spent almost three weeks eating. It’s true. The average person spends around 67 minutes a day eating which comes out to about 17 days per year. I figure I’m probably closer to 20 days since I’m a slow eater.
If you brush your teeth, and I sincerely hope you do, you spent 24 hours at it last year—not all at once. That wouldn’t be helpful. Twenty-four hours is based on brushing two minutes, two times every day. And I don’t mean to brag, but I brush three times a day. That and slow eating may go a long way toward explaining my lack of other accomplishments last year.
Along with brushing, the average person spends 30 minutes to an hour every morning grooming and getting dressed. There went two weeks. And that’s one of the more persuasive arguments I’ve heard for working at home in your pajamas.
I do work at home and often in my pajamas but any time I saved was likely offset by some of my other time wasters. And no, I’m not referring to looking up useless facts on the internet though I admit I did blow two days researching how much time the average person spends sleeping, eating and brushing their teeth.
My problem is that brushing my teeth isn’t the only activity I’m above average at. The average American spends around three full days every year waiting—waiting for the next available customer service representative, waiting for medical appointments, standing in security lines, waiting at stop lights and so on. Of course waiting at stoplights is a more efficient use of time than waiting for an accident investigator to arrive.
That estimate was based on a survey Timex did a few years back and I know for sure it’s far too low for me because I spent the entire month of June waiting on hold.
On the other hand they included waiting for a significant other to get ready to go out. And my husband is always ready to leave when I am. In fact, he’s usually been ready for quite some time.
The average American spends three hours per day watching television. I don’t watch much TV myself, but I make up the time by looking for misplaced items. In fact, one of the reasons I don’t watch TV often is because I can never find the remote.
While the average American spends just two and a half days each year looking for lost items, I spent an entire week last year just looking for my car keys.
Total it up and there went half my year. And I know exactly what I was doing for the other half: Just standing around. Standing in the middle of this or that room wondering what I went in there for. Standing in various parking lots looking for my car. Standing in front of my open refrigerator looking for something to eat. And standing in front of the toothpaste—or detergent or shampoo—at the grocery store trying to decide between all 700 varieties.
I wasn’t able to find the research to back me up on that, but I did spend several days of the new year trying.
Dorothy Rosby is the author of four books of humorous essays all available locally at Mitzi’s Books in Rapid City and on Amazon.
Photo: Sleeping Shepardess, Evariste Carpentier, 1882, public domain, wikimedia commons
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