Research psychologist Heacock: Is revenge-addiction a public health crisis? Overcome the instinct to strike back
Last time I went to a movie theater I was appalled and alarmed when preview after preview was filled with anger and violence. So much of our entertainment, as well as our politics, centers around vengeance.
I’m a proponent of forgiveness and just mercy as a much wiser way to deal with offensive behavior than revenge, but hadn’t thought about our culture’s desire for vengeance as a public health crisis until I listened to James Kimmel, Jr. — lawyer and lecturer in psychiatry at the Yale School of Medicine — talk about his book, “The Science of Revenge” on Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s podcast Star Talk. Kimmel contends many of us are addicted to revenge and it’s creating a violent, unstable nation and world.
Kimmel notes that our culture too often glorifies retribution. Action films are often revenge films that equate avengers with justice seekers. But is revenge just?
I looked up synonyms for revenge. My search did NOT display “justice,” but did list terms such as spite, venom, bitterness, and hatred. So why are we exalting it? Neuroscientists tell us we receive a hit of the addictive and pleasurable chemical dopamine when we retaliate and feel avenged for a real or perceived wrong. I admit, as a human, that revenge is fleetingly pleasurable. That pleasure, Kimmel explains, is why we can become addicted to it.
Getting even can be cruelly satisfying, even if our vengeance is misplaced. We may kick the dog, abuse a family member, bomb another country in our quest to satisfy our revenge addiction and experience that delightful hit of dopamine.
The desire for revenge is part of our biological survival toolkit. Fighting threats to our existence and protecting our group are natural instincts. Consequences for breaking social norms are adaptive. But revenge is simply reacting viciously when we are hurt, feel threatened, or are fearful. Upshifting our thinking to our prefrontal cortex and reflecting on the best way to ensure our survival and solve our problems is a wiser strategy.
Humiliation can lead to compulsive revenge seeking. When our dignity is threatened, our identity disrespected, we experience both mental and physical pain. Grievances hurt. We may turn to revenge which, like alcohol, gambling, pornography, etc., can bring relief for a short time. The temporary enjoyment revenge brings takes away whatever pain we’re trying to escape from.
It’s so human to feel satisfaction when someone who’s hurt us receives what we believe is their deserved punishment. An eye for an eye seems just, even if it does make the whole world blind.
In the short term, we may be obsessed with our dopamine hit and ignore the brutal long-term consequences of vengeance. We may reassure ourselves those people we’ve labeled bad will surely learn their lesson if severely punished and the world will be safer for us good people. It’s more likely, however, that those people will also feel humiliated and want retribution. The cycle of violence will continue until someone has the courage and wisdom to put a stop to it.
We fuel our addictions by telling ourselves stories that justify our behavior. With a revenge addiction, we may contend we’re victims and revenge will change that. And it does. We become avengers who create victims and compete in a game of competitive victimhood. Each side claims they have the right and justification to hurt the other. Victimhood turns us into villains.
What gives me hope, but also dismays me, is how easy it is to see those revenge synonyms — spite, venom, bitterness, hatred — in others but not recognize them in ourselves. Hope because that means we’re aware of the evil in revenge. Dismay because it’s so easy to project our own failings onto others.
Anna Freud, Sigmund’s daughter, was a psychologist who wrote about defense mechanisms.
Projection (being one of them) is when we attribute our own undesirable thoughts and feelings to others to avoid confronting and owning them ourselves. For example, we may feel it is unacceptable to hate someone, so instead of examining our feelings, we simply project our negative emotions unto others and say, “They are the ones being hateful. Not me.”
So what do we do about our tendency to turn to anger and revenge when we feel fearful, humiliated, out of control?
Kimmel says forgiveness is the way to free ourselves of a revenge addiction. Doing so will help rid us of a disastrous public health problem.
Have you heard the phrase, “Work smarter, not harder?” That phrase isn’t very useful when it comes to forgiveness because forgiveness may take hard work. However, if we change that advice to “Work smarter AND harder” it will help us overcome our revenge addiction.
Why work smarter? Because combining justice with mercy and compassion is a much better solution than revenge if our goal is a kinder, safer world. Why work harder? Because it takes effort to shut down our revenge cravings and activate our self-control circuitry. Evil arises from the human condition itself that, unless tamed, compels us to simply hurt those who we believe have hurt us or could hurt us.
We can choose to follow the advice of the prophet Micah who was asked the question, “What does God require of us?” He advised us to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God. If we strive for justice at the same time as we love mercy and are humble, we can break the cycle of vengeance and experience the joy that emanates from kindness and compassion. Dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin are neurochemicals that make us feel good and are released when we experience and perform acts of kindness.
Choosing forgiveness over revenge means accepting there is injustice in the world but it does NOT mean excusing or condoning it — in others or in ourselves. It means working for justice with empathy and humility.
Forgiveness promotes healing and empowers our moral and emotional development. It’s about transformation and will help us create a world in which we care about each other more than fear each other. We can follow the biblical teaching to love our neighbors as ourselves without restricting access to our neighborhood.
Kimmel calls revenge the world’s deadliest addiction. Our current obsession with violence as entertainment and using blame as a way to solve problems will simply crush our spirits, damage our souls, and harm our communities. It’s a public health crisis that will require resources and education so we adopt healthy, ethical ways to deal with conflict and threats to our dignity.
There’s hope. We each have the power to be kind, generous, compassionate, and forgiving. We can create a peaceful, joyful world if we’re willing to overcome our addiction to revenge.
As Gandhi famously said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”
Christy Heacock, PhD, is an educator with a doctorate in research psychology. She is the author of Being Human Is Hard: Choose Forgiveness. She grew up in Redfield and has lived in Rapid City the last 40 years with her husband Roger. Contact Chris at christyheacock@gmail.com or through her website, chooseforgiveness.com.
Photo: Cleveland school shooter, 2007, public domain, wikimedia commons
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