A very public miscalculation, as Kristi Noem takes a wild ride on Donald Trump’s unreality show

Donald Trump: And before we conclude this episode of The Apprentice Goes to Washington, allow me to say without reservation: Mrs. Noem, you are fired! Thank you for playing our game. Don’t look so sad! We have some lovely parting gifts for you. In fact, let’s go to our announcer, Tom Homan. Tommy, tell her what she’s won!

Tom Homan: You’ve got a new job! But first, you’re going on a French vacation — your trip to Port-aux-Français, Kerguelen Islands, in the South Indian Ocean.

You’ll fly coach on Louer une Épave Airlines from Washington Dulles to beautiful Paris, France, where you’ll have a 15-minute layover to catch Big Chill Charters. Next — once the wings have been de-iced — you’ll fly in the back seat to Roland Garros Airport in Saint-Denis, Réunion, off the coast of Madagascar. Then you’ll board the Marion Dufresne II for the 10-day cruise to Port-aux-Français, with stops in other subantarctic islands like Crozet.

Pack your fur coat and long johns because you’ll be only 1,200 miles from Antarctica — and 8,700 miles from Washington!

You’ll be staying in a luxury converted shipping container, complete with a single cot and a groomed path to the community outhouse.

Kristi Noem: But, but, but …

DT: No need to thank us! Thank you!

KN: But, but, but … I’m fired?

DT: Sorry, Trigger. It’s what you get. You not only shot your dog and goat — you finally shot your foot. Killing U.S. citizen protesters? Planes with queen beds? Pictures with prisoners while wearing a $50,000 watch? Lewandowski? Really? You’re surprised?

The movie Top Gun: Maverick only cost $177 million, ran more than two hours and starred Tom Cruise and Jennifer Connelly. You spent $220 million on a few 60-second ads — and you were the star? You’re no Jennifer Connelly, Trigger.

And by the way, that’s more than my campaign spent to get me elected president of the United States. You’ve made me look like an idiot and told a Senate committee that I approved this nonsense? You’re so fired. And on second thought, I’m not sorry.

KN: But what about the new job?

DT: Tell her, Tommy.

TH: You’re going to be the Special Envoy to the Shield of the Americas.

KN: Shield of the Americas? What’s that, Mr. President?

DT: I don’t know. I just made it up. Call it a coalition of countries that are going to thwart the Western Hemisphere’s drug cartels. Yeah, that’s the ticket. We’ll get participating nations to coordinate military and law enforcement efforts to combat international crime organizations. Secretary of State Rubio and Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth will run things with Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent and Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick.

KN: And I’ll be in charge?

DT: No. You’re the Special Envoy.

KN: How special?

DT: You’ll bring the coffee and doughnuts and then sit quietly in another room until you’re called upon.

KN: Called upon to do what?

DT: Get more coffee and doughnuts.

KN: May I bring some of my extra-special Homeland Security staff to this new assignment?

DT: Nope. I’m afraid your membership card in the Mile High Club has expired.

KN: What’s it pay?

DT: Immunity from prosecution, maybe.

That’s it for this week, folks. Stay tuned for highlights from next week’s episode when I might sack another Cabinet member.

Where is Pam, anyway?

Michael Sanborn is an award-winning journalist with more than 40 years experience covering and commenting on news in South Dakota and the nation. A graduate of Kansas State University, his reporting and commentary have been published in newspapers and magazines around the world. For more than 25 years, he has owned and operated Sanborn Advertising Agency in Rapid City and also spent a number of years as a sales manager and station manager for multiple Black Hills area radio stations. As he nears retirement, he has taken up teaching in middle school.

Photo: Noem at El Salvador prison, public domain, wikimedia commons

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